May 30, 2012 7 Comments
Because we’ve been working with a reproductive endocrinologist, Sarah and I have been on the high-touch pregnancy track. We went this morning to have an 8 week sonogram, and there was nothing – the fetus had died and then disintegrated.
I haven’t done much crying yet – tears would soften the bitter taste of the ashes on my tongue – and I have the sense of being squeezed by the world’s increasing concavity. I cling to the unfairness of life as a refuge from the horror of Divine schar v’onesh (reward & punishment).
I appreciate the kind thoughts and prayers we have received up till now – although sadly the outcome was not made positive thereby – and I had really thought that getting to the heartbeat meant we were over the worst part. But I was wrong.
Oh, we’ll get through this – we’re getting to be professionals at something where even amateur status is dreaded – but for now it’s eit livkot… eit s’fod… (Ecc 3:4 – a time to weep… a time to mourn…)